Friday, November 13, 2009

Hulk Displaced

I hadn't thought it possible but Hulk has been replaced by a new contender for worst movie ever! Hulk has held this undisputed honor for 6 years now. Egads! 6 years it's been! That's how bad this movie is, not even 6 years is enough to erase it from one's mind. Oh the length, the boring, the inexplicable ending, the tragedy of Connelly's anorexic-looking body, the leaping across deserts in only two bounds, the decidedly non-Hulk impactions in the ground...oh the bad! It was just so bad! And it's quite a trick to get me to dislike any movie that stars Eric Bana - for fuck's sake, I'd watch the man eat cereal for 2 hours!

Zack Snyder was having none of that! He says - sgwordy, you think that's a bad movie? You think Ang Lee's got anything on me in the making overlong movies department? Ha! Naive woman! Let me present to you, Watchmen!

sgwordy responds - Oh no, no, Zack, please spare us a Hulk rival! Really, it's not necessary.

ZS (gravely) - Oh but it is!

And bring it he did, with a vengeance!
Long for no reason? check
Boring? check
Filled with inexplicable events? check
Long periods of what can only be called narration? check

In fact, ZS took it one step further by committing one of sgwordy's top crimes - ugly guys, hot women (the term womEn is barely needed as there were only two). We ladies only got one respite from the uggies and Billy Crudup was blue and glowing most of the time. However, he has an excellent voice so I would say he was the best casting they did to give Blue Guy a nice voice.

One of the most amazing things is that Mr Musacha and I skipped several chapters and the movie still felt like one of the longest experiences of my life.

And the ending! Ugh, spare me your obvious delight in thinking this is the first time this idea has been thought of and implemented in the arts. Please! I watched that whole movie just for that? They could have at least tried something original to make it worth it. And did anyone not see the bad guy coming? He broadcasted his badness in every way except tattooing it on his forehead (jury is still out on whether or not that would have improved his looks).

And one last gripe before I leave off this tirade. When the Young Hot Woman and Blue Guy were on Mars (I think?) with the super cool glass (again, I think???) contraption and Blue Guy had his huge revelation about all events leading to the miracle that was Young Hot Woman thus making him change his mind, go back, blah blah blah...I think I puked a little in my mouth. Not only is that line cheap and tired I didn't find it at all in line with his character. And I couldn't help but wonder if he would have felt the same way had she been ugly and not a superhero. And also, am I supposed to have a bunch of sentimental feeling for the two of them when he cheated on his old partner to be with her? Whatev!

I've heard the graphic novel is better so maybe I'll try it sometime, though I'm not very good at reading graphic novels. For some reason I have trouble processing visual storytelling with written storytelling. Odd, I know, but so it is.

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