The Grand Sophy by Georgette Heyer

Title: The Grand Sophy
Author: Georgette Heyer
Publisher: G.P. Putnam's Sons (1950)

After Cotillion kicked things off for me in the Heyer world I've been sneaking in Heyers between review books, my TBR pile and book club books. And, oh joy, I sure am glad I have been as The Grand Sophy is my fourth and favorite so far. Holy shitballs, this book is funny! I was snickering through most of it and laughing out loud quite a bit. So much fun! The set-up: Mr. Charles Rivenhall is an uptight elder son that has wrested control of his father's estate and keeps an officious eye on all his family does. Cousin Sophia Stanton-Lacy has been raised on the Continent by her widowed father, Sir Horace, but needs a place to stay for a while as dad is off to Brazil. And so it comes to pass that Sophy enters the Rivenhall household for an undetermined length of time. Sophy has got to be one of the most observant and mischievous characters I've come across in a while. She's also very thoughtful and uses her schemes to promote the happiness of those around her. Of course, she only does this if she thinks it's for the best. Otherwise, she'll leave well enough alone. ;) Naturally, the household is full of people who need her help so let's welcome some hijinks into our story.

Not surprisingly, the way that Sophy chooses to help the members of the household is not met with approval by Charles. However, no matter how much Sophy irritates him (and she really, really does) he never manages to get the better of her or prevent her scheming. The only person Sophy annoys more than Charles is his affianced, Eugenia. Eugenia is a self-important bitch and almost ruins the story at times. She drove me nuts. She's a great counter-point to Sophy and certainly served the purpose of helping the reader get to know Charles better but damn! She was overdone. It's pretty easy to get her number within the first few times she is on the scene so her relentless bitchery became trying. Thankfully, it's easy enough to skip over her crap and move on to the more fun and funny characters around her.

Sophy is quite a woman and pretty well able to handle any situation she comes by. Her father is not often in the book but his unfailing faith in her competency is well-deserved. Also, I bet she'd be fun to have as a friend - as long as she didn't decide you needed any 'help.' At that point, you're pretty much Sophy's puppet. I imagine that Charles' character is rather basic simply because Sophy's is so larger than life. Don't get me wrong, Charles is perfectly lovely but still pretty vanilla. The reader comes to know each character better almost exclusively through dialogue and Charles is particularly fun to watch interact with Sophy and then later with Eugenia since they are such different women. The story also features an extensive selection of secondary characters and they are riotous. The poet that Charles' younger sister wants to marry is so freaking hilarious. I'm giggling just sitting here thinking about him. I mostly laughed AT him but that wasn't the case with everyone. Everybody ends up having a part to play in Sophy's puppet show and their interactions with each other and easy banter are what end up being so much fun.

Like the other Heyer books I've read, this one is pretty light where plot is concerned but Sophy's scheming makes up for it by keeping the book moving along and the reader interested in how things are going to end up. Also, it's so damn funny at every turn that ya just want to keep reading for some more funny. Speaking of the funny, I'm flipping through the pages to find a few lines to share (quotes may be condensed):

Sophy: "But I never knew anyone...whose judgment I would rather trust when it comes to buying a horse. Sir Vincent, I want to purchase a pair for my phaeton!"
"Allow me a moment in which to recover my manhood! So that is all the use you have for me!"
"Don't be absurd!" said Sophy. "What better use could I have for anyone?"
"Dear Juno, I have told you a great many times, and I shall tell you no more!"

Eugenia: "...one is inclined not to be as careful as one should be, perhaps. I wonder if I might venture to put you a little on your guard? In Paris and Vienna I am sure you would be able to tell me how I should go on, but in London I must be more at home than you."
"Oh, I should never be so impertinent as to tell you how to go on anywhere!" Sophy declared.
"Well, perhaps it would not be necessary," acknowledged Miss Wraxton graciously. ... "Allow me to speak without reserve!" she begged.
"Short of overturning you [in the phaeton] I can hardly prevent you," Sophy replied. "But you had much better not, you know! I am very unbiddable, and if I were to lose my temper I might do what I should afterward be sorry for."

Sophy: "I suppose I could remove to Merton... But Sancia would not like that at all, I fear."
"She has my sympathy!"
Sophy looked at him. Under his amazed and horrified gaze, large tears slowly welled over her eyelids and rolled down her cheeks. She did not sniff, or gulp, or even sob; merely she allowed her tears to gather and fall.
"Sophy!" ejaculated Mr. Rivenhall, visibly shaken. He took an involuntary step toward her, checked himself, and said rather disjointedly, "Pray do not! I did not mean--I had no intention-- You know how it is with me! I say more than I mean, when-- Sophy, for God's sake do not cry!"
"Oh, do not stop me!" begged Sophy. "Sir Horace says it is my only accomplishment!"

The dialogue really is divine. It's got that subtle bite characteristic of English humor and it'll keep you laughing throughout. I'm starting to think any Heyer is worth picking up but certainly this one is so if you haven't already read it it must be added to your TBR pile.

rating: 4 of 5 stars

Snubbery!

I've always thought of myself as a bit of a snob. Mr Musacha says that anyone who'll save 10 bucks by sleeping on a floor or bunking up with starving college students can't consider themselves a snob but so I always have. I do have some seriously snobby taste after all. But I've recently discovered that there are obviously several types of snobs. Here's an illustrative example and - hurrah - it includes books which is one of my favorite topics.

So my book club read Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood last month. I thought it was very well written with great characters but boring. The book itself is irrelevant to my example other than its genre: science fiction. I love science fiction* so this wasn't the first scifi book I've brought home from the library. However, it was the first scifi book for one of the other members. She made several joking but serious comments about how she didn't even know where the scifi section in the library was, etc and made it pretty clear she found the whole genre sub-par as far as books go. She would never have picked up this book if not for book club and couldn't believe she liked it so much, blah, blah... In fact, I believe her exact words were "I never read scifi because it's all about rocket ships and people living on mars and I prefer books with characters." Oh holy fuck! How much is wrong with that statement????

(*actually I love pretty much everything. a good book is a good book and I certainly don't let something like categorization come between me and good books.)


Wrong the first: "I NEVER read scifi." Then, pray tell, how the shit do you know what the books are about?

Wrong the second: "I prefer books with characters." Please explain to me how you got the impression that a book would not feature characters? How would that even work? Even if the protags were all bacteria, dogs, robots or picnic baskets would they not still be characters?

Wrong the third: The absolute disregard for an entire genre without trying it and basing that disregard on willful ignorance. What the fuck?


So me being me I immediately worked to correct such a stupid description of science fiction explaining that there are many kinds of science fiction and you can find almost every type of story you might want within the genre. This, I fear, fell on deaf ears. But then, as the discussion of the book progressed, it just got worse. This very same member kept going on and on about all these wonderful parts of the book. So fine, that's lovely, that's the point of the book club. But almost all the things she brought up were hallmarks of scifi stories. I actually think she was looking at me a little squinty because I wasn't just all kinds of impressed with such things. I was like, sure I am, they're very nice but they're not new to me. This is science fiction. It's the whole point. Course I tried to sound nice and reasonable and explain why I thought she might like other scifi books because of what she liked in Oryx and Crake but, again, deaf ears. Apparently since it was Atwood it had special dispensation from being considered genuine scifi. whatever.

Ok, so what is that? I mean, whoa! Total snob, right? But it's different from my snobbery - I abhor willful ignorance in all its manifestations - so what kind of snobbery is it?

If she had said she didn't read scifi because she is not such a fan of futuristic environments as part of her stories or that many of the classics marginalize women or any number of other legitimate characteristics of scifi then I wouldn't think a thing of it. But really??? Forming an opinion with no base and then, in the face of information clearly to the contrary (not just my helpful info -heh- but the very book we just read), not even entertaining the idea that scifi might not be what she thinks it is? Grrr! Grrr!!!!!

My inadequate answer to my own question is that it's the prejudiced kind of snob which I am going to call a SNUB. Not only because it's already a fun word but I figure taking the 'u' out of prejudice and throwing it into snob can count as coming up with a new word for this type of person.

So do you know any snubs? How do they press your buttons?

Wench by Dolen Perkins-Valdez

Title: Wench
Author: Dolen Perkins-Valdez
Publisher: HarperCollins (2010)

Wench by Dolen Perkins-Valdez is historical fiction but features Tawawa House, a resort that was situated in the Free Territory of Ohio in the 1850s. The resort catered to Southern white men who vacationed there with their enslaved mistresses in the summers. Three of the mistresses regularly accompanied their masters and became friends during their time together in the summer. The story is told predominantly from Lizzie's perspective but you also get to know her friends Reenie, Sweet, and newcomer Mawu. As the book progresses Perkins-Valdez allows readers to come to know the individual women better. For each of them, the possibility of escaping into Free Territory becomes more and more realistic as the summers pass, but each woman must come to terms with the family ties that bind them to their homes before they can make a decision to escape. I wish this short description did more justice to the women of this novel and the extraordinary writing talent of Perkins-Valdez. A few sentences are necessarily far too simplistic to convey the depth of emotion that is contained within the writing and the women in Wench.

The writing really is absolutely phenomenal. As I was reading my mind kept coming back to how sparse the prose felt while still conveying such power and presence. So I tried to look at it a bit more objectively and then the word sparse just seemed ridiculous. So instead I think the best way to describe the writing is apt. It's not sparse nor is it flowery and complex; it's simply perfect. The personalities of those involved are brought so readily to life as you're reading that you don't doubt their existence for even a moment. In fact, it was so real that I often had to put the book down so that I could calm down. I often read books in only one or two sittings but I couldn't do that with this book. I was emotionally involved at every point and that was very difficult at times. The subject matter is not easy.

Violence is a part of this story but what I found particularly striking was that it was not primarily the physical violence that made me such an emotional wreck. Perkins-Valdez portrayal of psychological control and manipulation was illuminating and heartbreaking. What becomes abundantly clear early is that Lizzie has an emotional bond with her master/lover that can be very hard to understand in this light. I don't mean this as a reflection on the craft of characterization but as a reflection on who Lizzie is and how her unique situation resulted in her conflicting loyalties.

As I said, I was pretty emotionally wrapped up in this book from the get-go but, along with the writing, I did notice another detail of craft that I quite liked. As the book opens you meet the women at the resort. Later in the book you learn Lizzie's back story and what her life is like back in Tennessee. I liked this a lot as I was already beginning to form an opinion of Lizzie but the shift in locale and events added layers to her decision-making and actions that forced me to rethink my response to her.

Wench is an excellent book and I highly recommend it. As a writer, Dolen Perkins-Valdez should not be missed but, more importantly, this is a story that shouldn't be missed. These are women that shouldn't be missed.

rating: 5 of 5 stars


For anyone that has read the book... did you happen to notice the ending of the jacket blurb? "...the moral complexities of slavery." Any thoughts on what that means? My first response was, "There are moral complexities to slavery?" I would think the obvious answer is no - wrong is wrong, nothing complex about that - but after reading the book I thought that maybe that statement was to be seen as coming from the perspective of the slaves. As in, the moral complexities of leaving your family behind in a bid for freedom in the pre-Civil War days. Any thoughts?

Cotillion by Georgette Heyer

Title: Cotillion
Author: Georgette Heyer
Publisher: G.P. Putnam's Sons (1953)

This is my first foray into Heyer's work and I'm glad I finally got round to her. Side note: have you ever noticed how much simpler the copyright page is in older books? Anyway, Cotillion is all kinds of fun so let me tell you a bit about it. Kitty Charing's eccentric guardian has made his will and hooray for Kitty she gets it all! There's just one pesky condition: she's got to marry one of his nephews in order to inherit. Lucky for her she's got a big ole crush on Nephew Jack. Unlucky for her, he doesn't show up to offer for her. Resourceful Kitty is undaunted; and convinced that all she needs to do to get Jack is to make him jealous. To that end she convinces Nephew Freddy to pose as her fiance so that she can go to London and start inciting the Green-eyed Monster in Jack. Hijinks ensue!

The book is a light romp that follows the characters from one social engagement to another while they work out their shit. It's not heavy on plot but I think the point is to enjoy the characters. And enjoy 'em I did! I'm really only interested in gabbing about the characters but I feel I must mention that the book's length works against it. It's light, it's fun, it's breezy, it's not got much of a plot - and because of all this it's a touch too long. I loves me some breezy fun but the book would have been even better had it been shorter. Breezy fun can only be stretched so far. And the exclamation points!!!! Boy howdy! I thought my excitement meter was going to explode!!! Be warned! But anyway, let's get to the fun stuff...

Nephew Freddy is a resolute bachelor more interested in clothes than wills (and just about everything else) and he's unfailingly polite, but before you start thinking he doesn't sound like much fun just wait til you start reading his dialogue. He kept me snickering for most of the book. I enjoyed him quite a bit but I probably liked Kitty even more. This might be because you spend more time with her so getting to know her is easier. Much like Nephew Freddy (don't worry, they don't use the Nephew title in the book, that's just me:), on the surface there doesn't appear to be much to Kitty. By her own admission her interests are mostly in frivolous (well, frivolous to me anyway) activities. But the cool thing about Kitty is that she really knows herself. I'm coming to find that that's one of my favorite qualities in a romance heroine. And by this I don't just mean that she knows what she wants but that she knows what she knows. She's led a sheltered life so she's not tops in street sense. She often makes mistakes but she realizes it right away, acknowledges it and then files away said lesson for future avoidance of mistakes. I can't stand it when something doesn't go right for a heroine and then she's like, "Well, heck, I just don't know what's going on." Well, dumb shit, use your critical thinking skills and work it out.

Nephew Freddy, who often seems even more frivolous than Kitty, turns out to be more resourceful than ya might think. He's especially good at helping people out of jambs. I assume it was all the times he helped his brother that prepared him for helping Kitty when she would forget some tiny detail in one of her random plans. It was fun to watch these two get to know each other, and get to know themselves even better through each other.

If you're looking for a breezy* good time then pick up Cotillion. If you're looking for a heavy-hitter than you might want to skip over this one. But before I go, my favorite scene/quote (condensed):

"I do think that Freddy is the most truly chivalrous person imaginable!"
"Do you, indeed?"
"Yes, and a great deal more to the purpose than all the people one was taught to revere, like Sir Lancelot, and Sir Galahad, and Young Lochinvar, and--and that kind of man! I daresay Freddy might not be a great hand at slaying dragons, but you may depend upon it none of those knight-errants would be able to rescue one from a social fix, and you must own, Meg, that one has not the smallest need of a man who can kill dragons!"

rating: 3 of 5 stars


*am I the only one that can't say breezy without remembering Monica (of Friends fame) negating her own breezy by mentioning it in a phone message?

Dune by Frank Herbert

Title: Dune

Author: Frank Herbert

Publisher: Chilton Book Co (1965)

Frank Herbert’s Dune is a well-known sci-fi classic, and this is at least the third time I've read it and there’s an outside chance it’s the fourth. Obviously, this book has a quality that keeps me coming back for additional exploration. Interestingly, with each read I have become more critical of the book. This would explain the rating. The first time I read the book I would not have hesitated to give it 5 stars. But now I give it 4 stars. Am I getting too critical in my old age? Possibly.

Dune is a long book with an incredibly layered story. A simple summary can't do it justice so keep in mind that my description is necessarily inadequate. The book opens shortly after House Atreides has been awarded the dukedom of Arrakis. In fulfilling this appointment they will have to leave their home planet of Caladon and take over the spice rich planet of Arrakis from House Harkkennon. To complicate matters the Emporer actually supports House Harkkonnen (an ancient rival of the Atreides) and is using this appointment as a way of trying to eliminate House Atreides. And there’s the not inconsequential ecology of Arrakis: a desert planet with no open bodies of water. Throw in the Bene Gesserit schemes, the Spacing Guild’s monopoly and the Fremen belief in prophecies, not to mention the value of the spice, and the reader will find a very intriguing story of courage, power, manipulation, and destiny.

I like the way this book is written. There is a nice flow to the style and information is given in such a way as to continually pique your curiosity (well, almost continually - more on that in a bit). With as rich a sociological and ecological creation as Dune is, a reader could easily get frustrated with the layers of custom and history. However, the smooth style and presentation of said creation keep the reader engaged rather than alienating them.

The story gets a bit long in the telling. The layers of intrigue within intrigue within intrigue (within intrigue – I think you get my point) at first keep the reader on the edge of her seat. However, the end is a bit too far removed from the layers of intrigue and I found that the intrigues lost their edge. The next time there was a twist or a shift in character philosophy my response was not ‘what will this mean?’ but rather ‘oh another one?’ This is where I have become more critical. I don’t remember feeling this way at all the first time I read the book so it might be that this particular style does not lend itself well to multiples readings (the other reason for the decrease in rating can be found in the spoiler section).

Overall, I give the book a high recommendation; especially for the science fiction fans out there. The suspense is wonderfully built and, like the best sci-fi classics, this title is as much a psychological thriller as it is an action/sci-fi thriller. I should also mention that this book is the beginning of a series but I quickly lost interest in the subsequent titles. If you find that you absolutely love this book, it might be worth your time to try out the others (I have a friend that loves all of them), just be sure to read them ‘eyes wide open.’




I have a pretty specific critique for this book (and sci-fi authors in general) but it contains mild spoilers. It's also long so I didn't want to do the highlight thing. As such, anything under the big warning in caps might be spoilerish.

rating: 4 of 5 stars

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES MILD PLOT SPOILERS

I am a big sci-fi junkie, both in print and on the screen. I’ve found though that while I love the B (and C and D) sci-fi movies, I expect a lot more out of a sci-fi book; and it’s because of books like Dune and other great sci-fi classics. It’s all well and good to have silly costumes, crazy action, and movie physics that are so bad you don’t even accept them in a made up world in a movie - but I want more from a sci-fi novel. The genius of Science Fiction is that it gets to push the limits. There’s the obvious in that the genre can push the limits of technology and exploration but there’re the more subtle, and more interesting, limits of humanity to explore. Sci-fi presents the reader with extremely familiar characters in extremely unfamiliar settings. With this simple set-up there are endless possibilities for exploring humanity and the human condition. The best sci-fi novels will never miss a chance to do this.

The Achilles’ heel in this opportunity is that the author’s limitations become painfully obvious. I mean dump a big pile of shit on your good time obvious. In worlds where interstellar travel is possible - or telekinesis or speaking to animals or a man being raised on Mars- the sociological limits of the author’s imagination can prevent some very interesting social exercises. I often feel like the author’s core beliefs in the structure of society are screaming at me from between the lines of her/his fictional world. And this brings me to Dune and the female characters.

The female characters in Dune are incredibly well-written. They are integral to the story and not used as decoration or plot devices. They are bright, strong and extremely capable. All three of them. I’m sorry to report that in the future equality has not come far. Women are still subject to the whims of men, hereditary titles still go through the masculine side (which is just silly if you know anything about reproduction), and if you’re lucky you’ll be a loved concubine (unlucky means an unloved wife). I’m happy to report that this is not the case in most present-day societies so it’s stupefying to me that so many sci-fi authors do not have a better imagination in this regard. So if you’re disappointed that Jessica is marginalized by her son and Chani meekly steps back while the new Duke takes a ‘more acceptable’ wife, you’re not alone. There are plenty of us out there who are waiting for the written future of equality.

Truth in Advertising

This isn't a joke but I was laughing my ass off. Finally, the truth about politics!

"Best Drop Biscuit" Books

ETA: Updated 30th June, 2016

I was reminiscing over the first time I tasted Mr Musacha's Best Drop Biscuits and he asked me this: What are the books that you've read that were like eating your first Best Drop Biscuit?

Oh! Oh, what a fun question. The delectable, buttery, crispy outside; the slightly salty and perfectly textured inside; the combination of the two; the irresistible nature of the experience; the unexpected awesomeness in such a neat package. Ah, bliss.


Life of Pi by Yann Martel
--this is my favorite book. of all time. if it was a word the word would be perfect. 


Blind Man's Bluff: The Untold Story of American Submarine Espionage by Sherry Sontag

The Blue Orchard by Jackson Taylor

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz*
*Audiobook version is a must on this title

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller 

The City & the City by China Mieville

Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein

Crossroads trilogy by Kate Elliott

Dark Alliance by Gary Webb

Dawn by Octavia E. Butler

Don't Shoot: One Man, A Street Fellowship, and the End of Violence in Inner-City America by David M. Kennedy

El Narco: Inside Mexico's Criminal Insurgency by Ioan Grillo

The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin

Flowers from the Storm by Laura Kinsale

For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale

Hamlet by William Shakespeare (play)

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

Horse Heaven by Jane Smiley

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin

The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde  (play)

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

Katherine by Anya Seton

The Known World by Edward P. Jones

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore

The Legend of Colton H. Bryant by Alexandra Fuller

The Lion's Daughter by Loretta Chase

Moneyball by Michael Lewis

Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death by Charlie Huston

The Power of the Dog by Don Winslow

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver 

The Queen of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner

Roots by Alex Haley

Shards of Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold

Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson

The Spymaster's Lady by Joanna Bourne

Sympathy for the Devil by Kent Anderson 


The Vintner's Luck by Elizabeth Knox

Wench by Dolan Perkins-Valdez

The Whistleblower: Sex Trafficking, Military Contractors, and One Woman's Fight for Justice by Kathryn Bolkovac

Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang

Without Remorse by Tom Clancy


Some of these titles I re-read often. Others were so emotionally trying I will probably never be able to read them again. All are alike in their ability to transport this reader beyond the page. Sometimes into tears, sometimes into giggles but always into the joy that only book lovers understand.

THERE is no frigate like a book

To take us lands away. 

Nor any coursers like a page of prancing poetry. 

This traverse may the poorest take 

Without oppress of toll; 

How frugal is the chariot 

That bears a human soul! 

         --Emily Dickinson

There are some books that were "best drop biscuits" when I read them but have not survived my "adult eyes." I'm listing some I can remember because it's interesting to me to see how tastes/interpretations/understanding change(s) as we grow.

Dune by Frank Herbert

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Rich Man, Poor Man by Irwin Shaw

Starship Troopers and Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
(I still enjoy reading ST though in a different way than I did when I was younger but I can't make it through SinaSL)

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens


I love suggestions so please feel free to comment with a pitch for your favorite books. 

.

Scientists Gone Stabby: How Pissed is Ezio?, or What the Fuck, Part Two

Click here for how the collaboration started. Spoilers abound so check the Scientists' Stats for where we are in the game if you want to avoid them.

Title: Assassin's Creed II
Publisher: Ubisoft (2010)

Scientists' Stats -
Time Played: 19hrs 52min
Last Achievement Earned: In Memory of Petruccio
Last Significant Event: The game just fucking ended!


Jeff gave his final thoughts on ACII and he was impressively calm. Well, maybe it's more accurate to say he was adultly calm and I took it as impressive since I was so without any kind of calm or adultness during Part One of my final thoughts. But it's been a couple days now so I can look at the ACII ending with a bit more equanimity. In fact, with a little more thought I've come to the conclusion that it's Ezio that really deserves to feel short-changed.

So after more than a decade of chasing down the people (ostensibly) responsible for the death of his father and brothers the big reveal for Ezio is a weird message from a goddess or lady from an ancient civilization (it's unclear, but the experience is not unlike the end of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Whatever when you have to wrap your mind around what just became a part of the Indiana Jones mythology... for my part, I missed the simplicity of the Nazis)  that ends up being for Desmond Miles and the present-day Assassins. Wha???? Ezio goes to all this trouble and that's what he gets? Essentially nothing? I'd be pissed! Hell, I am pissed.

For what I assume is consolation, Ezio decides to collect all the feathers his mom wants in honor of his younger brother (read: Jeff must get all Achievements). I'm marginally interested in this as I liked the family dynamic in the game so I went trundling on in to the living room to see what would happen when Ezio brought the feathers back. For those of you not playing the game, Ezio's mom hasn't spoken since the execution. I'm thinking this is when she'll be able to get over her grief and enjoy the pimped out villa. Not so! Even a decade later all she can say is thanks (or somesuch) and then sink back onto the bed in despondency. *sigh*

And you know what else left me cold? The cool, non-Animus Altair flashback that Desmond had where Altair and Maria climbed a tower which was set-up to be this mysterious thing that was bad for Desmond as he shouldn't be having non-Animus flashbacks and then the game never went back to it. (phew, run-on much?) What the shit is up with that? Was that yet another teaser for the next installment? Do I get no conspiracy rewards for playing this installment?

So what's the big take home message here? Ubisoft is probably going to set the third installment in the Desmond Miles present. Yech! I am not a fan of this for multiple reasons. Bad, bad idea! But I do have one little glimmer of hope. Maybe that dangling plot line of non-Animus flashbacks means that ACIII will be set in the present but with flashbacks to both Altair and Ezio as Desmond progresses through whatever Ubisoft can come up with.

Oh, and that glyph video. Did Adam and Eve actually come from a high-tech facility from a pre-history culture? See what I mean about the monkeys-throwing-shit conspiracy arcs? I assume since ACIII will be the last one that we might finally have some answers.

Please, please let us have some answers.

And, Jeff, a quick question for you if you don't mind adding a comment here: Now that the game is finished what do you think the setting for ACIII will be?

Scientists Gone Stabby: SO MANY CURSE WORDS!, or What the Fuck, Part One

Click here for how the collaboration started. Spoilers abound so check the Scientists' Stats for where we are in the game if you want to avoid them.

Title: Assassin's Creed II
Publisher: Ubisoft (2010)

Scientists' Stats -
Time Played: 19hrs 52min
Last Achievement Earned: An Old Friend Returns
Last Significant Event: The game just fucking ended!


Jeff's most recent post addressed the questions I asked last time. He ended with: "This is where I ask some questions back at Rachel, but I think I'll just decline and cede the floor to my cohort. Then I'll flee the premises as quickly as possible to avoid getting caught in the cross-fire. Rachel, do you have any thoughts you'd like to share about our last play session? ;)"

Why yes, Jeff, I do! It's hard for me to think around my exploding head and the manic voice in my brain screaming, "Fuck you, Ubisoft!" but I'm going to try to focus. If at times is seems my keyboard has invented its own "insert expletives" feature please rest assured it's merely the after-effects of my seething anger.

It's hard to know where to start. While playing, I'm sitting on the couch, jotting down a few notes on what I'd like to post about, thinking whoa damn this is getting interesting!, and the fucking credits roll! I thought the meat of the story was finally getting started and the game just fucking ended! I think I went a little batguano crazy for a couple minutes and started shouting on the couch. Jeff was there, maybe he can remember more clearly. I think comments were made on the incredulous expression on my face. Not sure. Too stunned to remember clearly.

The blood is starting to boil a bit so let me take a step back and actually comment on what I meant to comment on before I got distracted by the shit event of the credits rolling. It's sort of a toss up but I think I prefer the 12th Century Homing Missiles from ACI (read: brain challenged beggars) to the Triplets. The Triplets are bizarrely aggressive stringed-instrument players. They are very keen on Ezio! So much so that they will chase him down the street shoving their instrument (heh) in his face. They do not, however, start whaling on Ezio for no reason and, frankly, I sort of missed the jizzwadian behavior of the ACI psychos.

What's with 10 years inexplicably passing in the blink of a cut scene? Was that really necessary? Were the events of the game so compelling that I couldn't believe they could all happen within a couple months? Answer: NO! Events were decidedly not compelling enough and there was no need to tack on a few more years. The only change was some facial hair on Ezio. The poor bastard didn't even get a new outfit. And, honestly, even if the guards can't remember that the raging psycho killer always wore that outfit the stench alone would eliminate any ability to sneak around.

Our dear Ezio had a birthday after the 10 year jump (well, he probably had some in between too but we missed those) and Rosa came by with a present. I thought after all that flirty behavior from before that they'd at least get some lip action going but no. What a tease Ezio turned out to be!

Jeff mentioned the mysterious lack of guards along the Venice canals but I've just got to mention it again. One of the assassinations takes place on the waterfront at a large celebration with lots of guards. The escape plan? Jump in the canal and swim (slowly, as Jeff pointed out) away! Really? Not one single guard thought to look in the canal? The city is riddled with them! Are they the safe zones? Criminals' bases in a very serious game of tag? Makes no fucking sense!

ACII did a much better job than ACI with incorporating local culture into the Animus memories. (for a game designed by a "multicultural group" it's pretty suspicious that they can manage a Western European culture but not a Middle Eastern one! why do media outlets continue to assume that Caucasians of West. Eur. descent can't sympathize with characters not of the same descent??? it's stupid and limiting and unfair to all the gamers, viewers and readers that do not fall under that category) I especially liked how Italian was incorporated into the dialogue. It was very natural, and even with my ridiculously limited Italian I was never at a loss for what was going on or what was being said.

But then the game just fucking ended!

We finally figure out that all Ezio's friends are actually assassins (he's not alone!), they get the Eden bits together, decipher the codex map, find the vault, find the baddie (who became pope during a cut scene), and start to actually learn what's what and then the game ends! IT ENDS!!!! No pay-off, no nothing. Oh, here you go, sgwordy (read: biggest sucker of all time!), here's some dangly tidbits of fun but don't get too attached because here are the credits! As my Grandma says, "shit-damn-hell shit-damn-hell shit-damn-hell! Fuck you, Ubisoft!" Ok, that last part was me and probably not something my Grandma has ever said.

So, a game, which was already embarrassingly short at ~20hrs, actually could have been half as long which would have tightened up the story. Look, I know these are games, I know it's the mechanics and the scenery that are the showcases but there should be a law against making a trilogy of a story that should be ONE SINGLE GAME! Or for fuck's sake put a few more details into the story and keep it relevant. Also, don't go monkeys-throwing-shit with your conspiracies: pick something and develop it! Don't throw something new at me after every cut scene because you can't be bothered to follow one line of thought.

Ok, I think it's time to go wipe the anger-spittle off my chin. Maybe my final SG Stabby post will be less insane but I make no promises. I do promise that the verdict will remain: Giant Letdown. (But, from the beginning, I fucking knew this was coming! And just as I predicted, I'm already thinking about the ACIII advertising campaign and GETTING EXCITED! Clearly I have jizz for brains but there it is. I am still Ubisoft's bitch.)

I will take my cue from Jeff and sign off with: do you have any thoughts you'd like to share about our last play session? ;)

Scientists Gone Stabby: Pimp My Villa

Click here for how the collaboration started. Spoilers abound so check the Scientists' Stats for where we are in the game if you want to avoid them.

Title: Assassin's Creed II
Publisher: Ubisoft (2010)

Scientists' Stats -
Time Played: 16hrs 8min
Last Achievement Earned: Podesta of Monteriggioni
Last Significant Event: Collected last of the 6 Assassin's Seals


In Jeff's last post he commented on some specific game features and one of the side quests. He left off with: "And back to Rachel. It seems like the story is still too nebulous for you (I don't disagree). Maybe it's missing a character to give it some cohesion. What character would help? A sidekick? Love interest? A better defined villain?

Also, let's say Ubisoft greenlights Assassin's Creed 3 (pretty much a lock). They come to you and say, "Rachel, you're our biggest fan. It's your pick - where and when is AC3 set?" What's your choice. Bear in mind that the general parameters of the game (running around a few cities, climbing buildings, assassinating targets) will be the same. A place or time that works well with conspiracy theories would also be a plus."

Oooh, excellent questions! I think you've hit the nail on the head with the nebulous thing and I think it's the villain that's dropping the ball here. Or villains in this case since it's the Knights Templar and it is a group. Anyway, it would be better if the group was better defined. As it is you just hop around from place to place being told whom to kill and that they are Knights Templar. But they don't have much to do with each other and it's mostly about oppressing local merchants. Now, I'm all for relieving oppression but we're supposed to be going after a super powerful weapon and I would enjoy it a bit more if the villains acted like they were trying to cover up a conspiracy rather than just control all trade in the region. Ok, sure, boo monopolies but, really, something that could be discussed in a Senate committee does not always make for fascinating video game fodder. And I know I've already said it but I sure would like to see other Assassins. As far as I can tell Ezio has three contacts and not one of them is an Assassin. Where the fuck are my compatriots? What if I need advice or tips on how to be stealthy (and holy shitballs does Ezio ever need advice on how to be stealthy!)?


I think a sidekick would be a bad idea but I would venture to say there's already a love interest. Our Ezio he likes his women and he's got this irrepressible boyish charm. Yes, that's right, the phrase "irrepressible boyish charm" does in fact describe our ruthless assassin. I'm glad he hasn't let his job change him. Anyway, the love interest. While I feel Ezio is more than happy to share his love far and wide he does have some good chemistry going with Rosa. She doesn't show up a lot but, really, he's busy with all the stabby so I can see how she's not around a lot. But when she is I definitely think there's something there and I like their chemistry. I don't think this decreases the nebulous factor (sticking with the villains on that one) but it is a fun part of the game.


I thought a lot about the locale for ACIII and, at first, I thought it'd be cool if it was set in France when the Knights Templar were hunted. I figured it'd be really easy to incorporate an Assassins story there but it turns out ACII is set after the dissolution of the Knights Templar (poss why the group seems so scattered and aimless??? or, more likely, the AC series is maybe not the place to go for accurate history:). So instead I'm going with Istanbul (Constantinople). The political backdrop would be the Ottoman Empire. So much can be done with that and there's even a lot more city possibilities so it would not only have to be Istanbul. It makes sense to me that the Assassins group would remain more to the East since they originate in the Middle East and the architecture possibilities (as we saw in ACI) are fantastic and endless for the free running. I'd also like Ubisoft to take another crack at getting the hero right. It's nice that Desmond Miles isn't all WASPy looking and it's great that Ezio appears to be from his time period. Altair, on the other hand, was a major visual/audio fail in ACI. Of course, he had the awesome outfit but he didn't look and sound as he should have to be from where he was from (Prince of Persia fail anyone????).




So we're at the point that comes in almost every game that bores me. It's the part between the set-up and the finale when you get to go round doing quests, collecting crap and every once in a while performing a mission. As that is the case I'm going to leave comments regarding that stuff more to Jeff since it's his area of expertise. For my part, I'm going to focus on the lighter side of the game. Our villa kicks all kinds of ass! We've done all the improvements and it's making florins like we've got money trees stashed in the corner. I love the routine: arrive home, check the books that Sis is keeping and collect money, go talk to your architect and look at the villa model and pick improvements. Huzzah! But you know what's the icing on the cake? The art gallery! We've got a fantabulous gallery! All the regions that Ezio explores (kills in) are full of art merchants and you can buy all the paintings and they hang in the gallery at his villa. It's super sweet and they're real paintings. I've actually seen some of them in person when traveling so it's really cool to see them appear in the gallery.


Another freaking awesome cosmetic feature of the game is Carnival. Ezio is in Venice during Carnival (what we from Louisiana call Mardi Gras) and it's a party in the street. Everyone is in costume and there are tons of celebrations and even fire breathers! It's super sweet. Conveniently, Ezio can avoid notoriety by donning a mask. He's still in his uber-awesome, uber-conspicuous outfit (totally tripped out with weapons) but one tiny mask that you can hardly see under his hood makes everyone mistake him for someone else. Mind you, this is the same guy that, in that outfit, spent the first 10 hours of the game shouting, "I am Ezio Auditore!" after every kill. Ah well, most people at Carnival are drunk anyway so maybe that explains it. 


And now let's send out some questions for the gamer. Jeff, what do you think about the high-brow puzzles, artwork, artifacts, and that you're best buds with DaVinci? What did you think about the flying machine? Interesting or useless addition to the game mechanics/missions? Also, do you think the missions are too easy? What do you think of my Rosa comments? And finally, what is your favorite cosmetic aspect of the game?

The Lion's Daughter by Loretta Chase

Title: The Lion's Daughter

Author: Loretta Chase

Publisher: Avon Books (1992); Berkley (2006)

Before I start properly I have two comments to make. Comment the first: I lurv this book! I mean I love it with a little achey in my heart love it. I've got some quibbles that I'll go into but for the most part just get ready for a big bucket of smoochey lurv! Comment the second: I hate the cover. I've got the Berkley edition with a guy looking nothing like any of the descriptions in the book but he does do a very good job of giving me the creeps. Yuck! Plus his crotch looks air-brushed... and not in the way one would expect (clearly I assume others have crotch-related air brush expectations like myself). It's like he had the MagCharger Maglite edition and so they had to smudge it out to keep from frightening us poor widdle readers. Even without the suspicious smudging I would still hate the cover. I prefer scenery to people on books. Always have. I prefer to retain sole mental possession of what the characters might look like. Anyway, lemme get to it.

Esme thinks her father has recently been killed and she is set on revenge. Born of an Albanian mother and an English father she rejects the idea that she should move to England after her father's death. Instead, she plans to exact the blood price of her father's death. Stumbling into her path is Varian St. George, a wastrel if there ever was one, who has been manipulated by his friend's son into traveling to Albania from Italy. A surprise attack throws Esme and Varian together and so our adventure begins.

I'm a big fan of Loretta Chase's writing style and The Lion's Daughter does not disappoint. While a more serious book than some of her others her dialogue is still damn funny. And there's some great situational comedy as well that'll get you laughing. As an example there's an early exchange between Esme and Varian that had me snickering for several minutes. Esme is many things - smart, focused, sympathetic - but what I love best about her is her directness. Varian is quite the slutty and so Esme feels the need to give him some travel advice (condensed):

Don't flirt with the women if you wish to depart Rrogozhina in one piece. If we come across a whore, I shall tell you so, but it's most unlikely we will. Albania has many more men than women, and the women are guarded jealously... Please keep this in mind.

...Certainly I will.Thank you for the warning. How dreadful if I should run amok among Rrogozhina's hordes of fair maidens.

Varian is no match for Esme's temper but his obstinacy was usually good enough to win an argument. One of his more fun qualities was his complete lack of pride of self when trying to get his way (common quality among unofficial whores?). For instance:

Arguing with me is a waste of breathe. You'll only tell me how illogical and foolish I am. But being so, I'm not likely to heed a word, am I?

Interestingly, it is about this time that you begin to see that Varian does actually have some pride. It's a tiny little seed at this point but that's not surprising; he decimated his family's entire fortune and the barony is in shambles. He's in considerable debt and spends his time on the continent sleeping around to pay for his food and clothes. His main skill appears to be making himself agreeable (oh, and he's probably a hot lay since he dresses so well:) but he's failing miserably at that with Esme. Esme has a shit opinion of Varian (and all English lords really) and is not shy about telling him so. And it's this that seems to set him off. It appears to offend him that she has this opinion but does not really know him (interestingly I think he'd be fine with someone having this opinion after getting to know him - huh).

Esme on the other hand is fiercely proud and has a fierce temper to match. But she's also fair and very sympathetic. It makes for a really fucking awesome combination. You see, she's the first to point out something idiotic but she's also the first to apologize when she's in the wrong. I really can't say enough good things about Esme's character. She's fascinating! And, of course, Varian sees this and gets the hopping hornies for her. For her part, Esme is also quite attracted to Varian (but, as we learn, who isn't? :). Teensy snafu though is that Varian thinks Esme is younger than her 18 years. That's a no-no in his book so he goes around constantly horny and wracked with guilt over being attracted to a too-young lady. This leads to my biggest quibble. It's very believable that Varian has issues with pedophilia. However, his other reason for trying not to get involved, he's broke and headed for debtors' prison, is even better and wouldn't give me the cover-guy creeps. Seriously, I can absolutely see him fighting his attraction to a maiden due to the debt thing until he just can't resist her. It's more than enough to work within the plot. But on top of that we have to have this pedophilia angle? Um, yuck! I was totally grossed out the first time I read it (I skipped over those parts the second time). I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I know I'm supposed to like you because you're the hero, you're hot, you're funny, and you're such a lovable wastrel but dude, yuck! You're lusting after a minor!" That fact that she isn't is certainly convenient but the fact that he doesn't know keeps the creeps alive.

But since I love almost everything else so much let's move past that. I thought the plot was great and really engaging. I love how the adventure is set up and all the players that are involved. The supporting cast rocks (complete with Precocious Child - we should be so lucky as to have a world full of Chase's literary children - being well-spoken and smarter than most adults I know) and I love love love the scene with Esme, Varian, Ismal and Ali. Trust me, it'll rock your pantaloons and you must read this book if only for that scene. My quibble with the plot is spoilerish so highlight if interested: I wish Ismal had just been a bad dude. I could have done without the bizarre angle of trying to make him seem like a misguided, love-struck kid. He was plotting to overthrow his kingdom and he was betrayed and wanted revenge. Being thwarted he goes after the girl. Fine. Not outrageously creative but believable with his character and the plot. Why try to redeem him?

Esme and Varian are great fun together. Obviously their dialogue is totally awesome (when is it ever not with Chase?) but it's also wonderful to watch the way their relationship grows. They are both pretty honest about everything and not afraid to share. It makes for a refreshing lack of Misunderstandings, though there are still several, they work with the characters and so do not feel contrived as Misunderstandings often do. One perfectly reasonable Misunderstanding was regarding marriage at one point. And from this we get one more of those great lines from Varian:

Good heavens, you do think I come cheap, don't you? That wounds me, Esme, truly it does. You think I agreed to wed you for a mere thousand pounds? My dear girl, I should not agree to shackle myself to Aphrodite herself for anything less than twenty thousand. In gold.

This book really has it all. The plot is great, the characters rock (including the secondaries) and the writing is wonderful. I know I'll be reading this one again and again. In fact, I liked it better on the second read than the first as I felt like I got to know the characters better. Esme was especially hard to get to know with only one reading. She's pretty complex and until you know her well some of her actions are a little mystifying. What at first does not make a lot of sense becomes pretty clear as you get to know her. I still don't agree with her passive acceptance to being separated from Varian while she stays with her grandmother but she pretty well made up for that once she visits his estate. Let's just say it's a good thing Varian is well-practiced at handling women because someone as awesome as Esme requires utmost skill. You can't half-ass a relationship with her; it's all or nothing.

So there you have it! A big bucket of smooches for this delightful gem. I'm sure I'll read it again soon but in the meantime make sure you get out there and find a copy for yourself.

rating: 4 of 5 stars

Scientists Gone Stabby: Agent 47 > Ezio

Click here for how the collaboration started. Spoilers abound so check the Scientists' Stats for where we are in the game if you want to avoid them.

Title: Assassin's Creed II
Publisher: Ubisoft (2010)

Scientists' Stats -
Time Played: 8hrs 45min
Last Achievement Earned: The Conspirators
Last Significant Event: Solved Glyph 6


Jeff last signed off with "The real question is: do you think it's an accurate depiction of what 15th century Florence would look like? And another question for you Rachel...what part of the game is unchanged that definitely should have been fixed?"

I'm pretty sure the first question is rhetorical as Jeff knows full well I am no expert on 15th Century Florence but I certainly agree that it's very cool to go running around with Ezio and recognize parts of the city. As for the second question, boy howdy(!) do I ever have an answer!!!!

Assassins should act like fucking assassins! Just as Altair in ACI, Ezio goes about killing targets with as much attention getting prowess as a whore in church. It really makes no sense whatsoever that the game punishes you for not walking down the damn street like a sneaky bastard but barely puts you out at all if you attract the attention of every city guard whilst making a kill. Dumb, dumb, dumb! The game should encourage and reward you for being sneaky (to review, you're a fucking assassin!); it would make the game more interesting and realistic. (Ubisoft, please refer to Hitman if you need help with this.)

Ok, with that out of the way let's talk awesome. Climbing about buildings like a juiced monkey goes without saying but one thing I've found surprisingly fun is building up the country villa. This appears to be just a fancy way of making bank but it's still fun. There are a few game events there and it's where your mom and sister are living. Sis actually keeps the books and runs things while you go about pissing off guards and shoving obnoxious guitar players around.


Also, the outfit, while conspicuous as all get-out, rocks! The added assassin's blade just makes things double cool and I don't even mind the arm cape. That's right, apparently Ezio can't spring for a full cape and he goes round with this less-than-halfsy thing that covers his left arm. He must like it a lot though as he's always pulling it over his arm during the game. And since I'm talking personal looks I'm also going to mention that I like Ezio's video game lack of 5 o'clock shadow which I saw a lot of in the trailers.


The guards are quite gentlemanly in this game and do their damnedest to not attack Ezio all at once. At most you might have two guards attack together but the rest hover about and wait for their turn to die. This led to the best quote by a scientist so far: What's with the gentleman fighting, Ezio? I just want to stab him in the fucking back!


And now we punt... So Jeff, how do you find travel in the game altered from ACI? Better, worse? And do please explain the efficacy of the wanted poster locales. Also, I complained a bit about the non-cohesiveness of Ezio's life as an assassin. I get the impression this doesn't bother you as much. Do you feel like Ezio is working towards some definable goal? And how do you feel about your side job as a grave robber?

The Eagle of the Ninth by Rosemary Sutcliff

Title: The Eagle of the Ninth
Author: Rosemary Sutcliff
Publisher: Oxford University Press (1954); Farra, Straus and Giroux (1993)

The Eagle of the Ninth is set in Roman Britain in 2nd Century AD. The eagle standard of the Ninth Roman Legion disappeared, along with the Legion, over a decade ago. The Legion marched north to suppress a rebellious group of Britons and was never heard from again. Marcus, a former Centurion and son of the commander of the Ninth Legion, has been tasked with going north and finding the lost eagle.

This book was very slow to start for me. In fact, I set it down twice for a couple weeks during the first half but once the second half rolled around I finished it in the same day. The first half felt like a lot of getting know Marcus, whom I liked but it was still a bit slow. The second half was more exciting for sure and I really enjoyed the action and the descriptions of the north. The well-realized environment was a strong point of the book actually and the atmospheric nature of the landscape really drew me in. I felt as creeped out by the mist as the characters when the creepy mist was out and about (cuz, you know, sometimes it's just regular mist and there's no need to get the creeps).

While I liked Marcus quite a lot there were some aspects of his character that took me out of the story. He was really ahead of his time in regards to the rights of the empire and slavery. I naturally enjoyed his kinder, gentler views on the world but they didn't seem realistic. I found the expression, both internal and external, of his feelings to be very natural but I didn't buy what those feelings were at all times. It was all just a bit too 'we are the world' for me.

Overall, though, I recommend the book. Be sure to stick with it if, like me, you find it slow to start because it really picks up and is a very cool story. There's a note from the author in the front about her inspiration for the story. On a related note this is my first Sutcliff book and I'm looking forward to the rest of her backlist.

rating: 4 of 5 stars

ETA: Anthony Lawton dropped by and sent a link to a site he manages that has tons of information regarding Sutcliff's books. Click here to start exploring this excellent resource. 

Scientists Gone Stabby Begins

sgwordy and scientist gone gamer have hooked up for some cross-blogging fun as we play through Assassin's Creed II. Spoilers will abound but you can always check the Scientists' Stats to see where we are in the game.

Title: Assassin's Creed II
Publisher: Ubisoft (2010)

Scientists' Stats -
Time Played: 6hrs 43min
Last Achievement Earned: Steal Home
Last Significant Event: Assassinated Stefano Da Bagnone


I was dubious at the outset when a street brawl was the opening scene of the game. I mean, seriously, I signed up for the cool armor and the awesome arm cape (more on that later) and I'm punching guys in a street brawl??? But on the upside I did like the interaction of Ezio with his brother Federico. Then of course they go free running along roofs and other cool shit so I'm like, ok, the brawling is over and now we can get serious. But then Ezio goes running across roofs and slips through the window of his girlfriend's house. Hmmm, what kind of game is this?

So thankfully you do eventually get round to your awesome armor and the super rad outfit. But before and after that there's all this meandering about getting to know Ezio's family. Let me be clear that I really like Ezio's family and the development of his relationship with them is definitely a strength of the game but really? I need to spend HOURS on this? I believe my initial response was, "I'd like a little less family and a little more stabby." As Zero Punctuation mentions regarding the first game in the series it sometimes feels like it could be called Faffing About Creed.

Eventually the stabby does come along but the development is still slow. Also, I feel like there's no cohesiveness to Ezio's actions. He sort goes round taking instructions from anyone. It appears he's on the right track but these Assassins are a group, they have a CREED for crap's sake, and I haven't seen any other assassins yet. Where are they? Why did they not come to talk to Ezio as soon as he took over for his father?

So I turned to my gaming expert partner and he doesn't know where all these assassins are either. But he did point out that many assassination assignments come via carrier pigeon and we can assume those are from the Assassins. Well done Ubisoft! Carrier pigeons. Totally boss!

Also, I was complaining about the graphics not being as good as the first game. Jeff asks... do you think it's because the graphics aren't done as well or that it's the inherent differences of the setting? I definitely think it's because the art is not as well done. In ACI the landscapes/city views were vibrant and absolutely phenomenal. In ACII the immediate surroundings are as detailed and awesome as ever but in the Eagle Views the far away stuff just sort of dematerializes into a mist.

Another question for Jeff: What do you think about the plot development in ACII vs ACI? Oh, and what, so far, do you think is the most improved aspect from I to II?

Be sure to surf on over to scientist gone gamer for more ACII details and answers to the above.

I talked more about what I didn't like rather than what I did so next time I'll focus on the things that ACII is doing right!

Assassin's Creed II (Again and Finally)

Remember when I absolutely could not to save my fucking life shut up about ACII? Then there was a giant silence regarding ACII? No? This was not foremost in your mind at all times but most especially when visiting sgwordy? Huh. Frankly, I'm shocked!

Well the silence will soon lift, my friends, as gamefly has finally decided that the scientists deserve to have ACII just as much as anyone else. I am so ridiculously excited that I may pee a little in my britches. The funny thing is, I'm totally prepared for a letdown. ACI was a huge letdown yet I cannot get over my excitement about the entire series. And you know what? If ACII turns out to be a dud I'll piss and moan and stomp my feet but I know I'll get just as excited about ACIII when the advertising begins. I mean, seriously, the pictures are just so damned pretty!!! How is a person to resist?

Anyway, get ready! The fun, it will begin!

Welcome to my home, Ezio!

In Protest

My horse injured himself in pasture over the weekend (no worries, inconvenient but not overly traumatic) and while I bandaged him up and readied a stall for his convalescence I had plenty of time for my mind to wander. And so I decided to compose this little post regarding a pet peeve of mine that crops up A LOT in books that feature horses.

Except in very rare occasions - so rare, mind you, that I haven't actually ever witnessed one of these hypothetical occasions - horses do not neigh or snort "in protest" to a human action like, say, shifting your weight in the saddle or other such things I read in books that occur to make a horse neigh or snort in protest.

List of horse breeds I am around on an almost daily basis:
quarter horses
paints
percherons
standardbreds
thoroughbreds
clydesdales

List of actions that have elicited neighs:
separation from herd or buddy
greeting herd or buddy
food is on the way (even this is more often a nicker)
human buddy arrives (except for some overly "chatty" horses this too is fairly rare)

List of actions that have elicited snorts:
a surprise (like, whoa-nelly I didn't notice there was a potbelly pig over there - snort, snort)
exercise (deep exhalations often sound like snorts)

Horses communicate with their bodies not their mouths. To protest, horses pin their ears, toss their heads, kick out, swish their tales, strike, pull back, buck, rear, freeze, bolt and any number of other actions but it's almost always with their bodies not their voices.

As a little illustration my horse that I have owned for 5 years has neighed at me twice, once for food and once for a greeting (though he probably knew he would soon get food so maybe it wasn't a greeting). Not once has he neighed or snorted in protest though he has tossed his head, swished his tail and bucked in protest. Of course, I try not to give him anything to protest about but it still happens from time to time and he's smart enough to let me know when I've done something wrong. But always with his body.

So please, authors, spend a little time with horses if you are going to put them in your books. Just a little time and then you'll see how efficient these beautiful creatures are. They don't waste their breath because they know just the right look is protest enough.


And since I manufactured an excuse for cute pet pics yesterday I certainly can't waste this excuse to post a piccy of my equine sweetie. This is from a couple years ago when we still lived where it snows. (trust me, we are loving winters that feature sunshine-filled days with highs in the upper 60s - this weekend was gorgeous)

District 9 (2009)

Title: District 9
Director: Neill Blomkamp
Studio: QED International (2009)

The most disappointing thing about District 9 is that this story was a great idea that was fucked up. You watch something like this and it has such potential but then the stank rises and you know there's no option for a re-do because it was just done. Ugh!

Brief (oh so very brief) comments on what was done well:

• Excellent job with an authentic anti-hero (course this was jacked by the portrayal of said anti-hero at the end)
• Decent script without too many cringe worthy lines from one dimensional characters
• Good directing with amazing cinematography
• Super rad shot of helos going towards giant - and effing awesome - spaceship
• Excellent special effects

Now it's time to buckle up because the bad, oh it was plentiful!

Note: Some of these might be considered mild spoilers so read at your own risk.

The first clue of the stink was one of the opening lines when the chosen location of the spaceship was described. "It could have been Manhattan, Washington or Chicago but it chose Johannesburg." Really??? Those are the three cities you thought of? They aren't even the biggest in the world and they're all on the same damn continent, in the same country! Plus, one of them isn't a city.

Then I'm supposed to believe that a population housed on the money of a corporation has to give individual signatures on eviction notices before they can be moved? And then the organization filmed the unlawful way they obtained said signatures? Wha???

Additionally, I could tell from the sentimental close-ups and sincere soundtrack that I was supposed to care for this population but they were most often shown fighting over crap and generally acting buffoonish. Shouldn't the viewer get a few shots of them trying to carry on with daily life? Maybe show me the conditions of their homes or what type of food they have access to? Seriously, they were living in a slum which will generally elicit the sympathy of anyone but you totally skip over this opportunity?

The anti-hero worked pretty well but he was one of the forerunners in the stupid contest that was clearly being held by several characters. While serving the eviction notices he gets sprayed in the face with an unknown substance from an alien looking object. Shortly after, he vomits, projectilely. This is not cause for alarm? You do not need to be checked out?

What the fuck keeps the spaceship in the air for two decades? If this type of technology was hanging up in the sky for all to see am I supposed to believe that it would not have been dismantled for research?

Why can't military trained personnel ever act like professionals? Why must they laugh maniacally and get a gleam in their eyes whenever they can be destructive? They are professionals for shit's sake.

The aliens have some pretty fantastic weaponry. Hot diggity this stuff can do some damage. It's tied in with their DNA, though, so humans can't use it (nifty.) One of the human slum warlords really wants to be able to use these weapons. Let me be clear on WARLORD so that you understand that he is a leader. He also trades in weaponry and has a fucking ROBOT in his house. It's an alien robot but still, he sees it working and knows how weapons work. I'm supposed to believe that this guy actually subscribes to the theory that EATING the aliens will result in his being able to use their weapons? Come on!

At one point, a group of idiots have decided it is a good idea to saw into a patient's chest without tying him down or knocking him out. This is bad enough but it gets worse. The patient is not too keen on the chest sawing (for obvious reasons) and so goes a bit apeshit and knocks a bunch of people out. This whole operation is going down in a secure facility run by a multi-billion dollar corporation and when the alarm is sounded only ONE PERSON responds. wtf???? Then the patient uses a hostage to escape this one person. Yes, you heard that right. We're in a facility where they will saw into someone's chest with no anesthesia but they will not shoot one insignificant medical attendant to retain the patient who is the key to their billion dollar project. Oh, and he's escaping a biohazard facility with alarms, lock downs and armed-to-the-teeth security personnel (well, one at the very least) but he easily slips out a side door onto the street. Again, what the fuck?

My last comment is 100% spoilerish so highlight if interested:
'Member those cool weapons I spoke of above? Well, they are scattered about willy nilly. Not sure how many there are but they pop up often enough that I'm gonna say there's a nice stash available. In fact, one of these stashes is actually in the slum under the care of our lovable but unbelievably stupid warlord. (and let's not forget the robot that is there that can also only be controlled by an alien and contains weaponry upon its person, or robotness... whatever) But what do the 1.8 million aliens who have the exclusive skill of using these weapons do? They hang about in a slum being mistreated by the organization that supposedly cares for them. It also becomes clear that they have superior physical abilities and strength. They can hop on top of shacks and throw humans really hard. So this sitch has been going on for two decades and what is it that finally get these aliens riled up? That's right, it's our very WASPy looking anti-hero, who has "gone native" due to the earlier splatting of the unidentifiable substance in his face, taking control of the robot and using its ass-kicking abilities to shoot the baddies thus inspiring the aliens to rebel against the gun-toting totally-non-professional military jizzwad. Give me a fucking break!

There's actually a lot more that could go on this list but I think you get the point. Nonsensical shit happened in almost every scene. In short, almost total disaster. And again, what a disappointment. This is a great idea for a movie. Maybe it'll get remade in a couple years and they can get it right.

If you're interested in some nice camera work and some good effects then District 9 will certainly fulfill your needs. If you'd actually like an original story or at least a decent story told well then you might want to skip this one. I have a feeling the six minute short film it's based on is probably much better since there's a lot less time to screw it up.


rating: 2 of 5 stars

A Style Nod to FJM

Mr Musacha says... I'm breaking this one down FJM style:


The movie studio that produced the mega-blockbuster, "Avatar," had no problem with the film's alien race being blue -- but it turns out they were initially concerned about the Na'vi being too green.

Damn jealous aliens.  Or are they sick?  There's actually a lot of metaphorical ways people (and aliens) can be green.

According to director James Cameron, 20th Century Fox had some initial apprehension that his $2 billion-dollar-baby delivered the wrong kind of message -- the message of environmental conservation.

Oh, the aliens are environmentalists.  I heard about those guys during the Super Bowl...apparently they're quite the group of fascists.  No wonder the studio was nervous.

Cameron recollects the studio's warning as being: "We really like the story. It's great. But, well, is there a way to not have so much of this tree-hugging, 'Ferngully' stuff in it?"

Wow.  Even studio executives, the most useless and uncreative people on the planet, recognized that Avatar was just a ripoff of a cartoon movie. 

The famously exacting director wasn't going give up on the central point of the "Avatar" story.

Anyone who thinks the "central point" of Avatar wasn't the special effects is kidding themselves.

"I said, 'Not with me making it,'" Cameron said. "Because that was my purpose in making the film. I wanted to make an environmentally conscious mainstream movie."

I don't know the exact carbon footprint involved with the making of Avatar, but Cameron employed an entire crew of special effects artists to work around the clock for two years on a fleet of computers powerful enough to draw his fancy jungle movie.  That doesn't even account for the impact of the filming itself.  So let's just assume the carbon footprint was SIGNIFICANT.

Hey James, here's an idea for your next environmentally conscious movie...it's you handing a check for 2 billion dollars to Greenpeace, filmed on a camcorder, then not making a feature film.  The environment will thank you.

"FernGully: The Last Rainforest" was a 1992 animated film -- also released by 20th Century Fox -- featuring the voice of Tim Curry as the villain who gains his power from pollution.

Was it so long ago?  From the commercials on my T.V. I could have sworn FernGully came out a few months ago.

Instead of backing down, Cameron, instead, reveled in the environmental themes leading up to the climatic conclusion of "Avatar". "I think there's something amazingly satisfying when the hammerheads come out of the forest and start mowing down all the bad security enforcers. Nature gets to fight back," he said. "It's 'Death Wish' for environmentalists. When did nature ever get to fight back in a movie?"

Jaws. Birds. The Ghost and the Darkness. Pretty much any movie where animals go after humans (usually explained by territory encroachment).  Hell, what about King Kong?  Pretty strong message about humanity's exploitation of nature there, and Kong kicks all kinds of ass before biting it.  The Ents (sp?) have their day in Lord of the Rings.  Or how about Fern Fucking Gully???  Wasn't that shitty Open Season movie about people encroaching on the woods and the animals fighting back?  That happened in Dr. Doolittle 2 as well.  Shit, these are just off the top of my head, James.

Cameron concedes that 20th Century Fox wouldn't have been the only studio with concerns. "To be fair…any of the other studios would have said the same thing. Fox ended up being enormously supportive and wrote this huge check. But they would have been much more comfortable if I had eliminated what they called the 'tree-hugging' elements."

Maybe they just wanted a story that wasn't so contrived and corny. 

James Cameron's environmental concerns can be attributed to being a parent of three young children and the fact he would like them to have a world to grow up in. "I think there's a way to live and raise your kids with a set of values that teaches them the importance of hard work, the importance of respecting other people and the importance of respecting nature. And that it's not this consumer society where you buy something and then throw it away when you get the next new thing, filling up huge landfills with plastic and electronics."

Good call.  That's probably why you approved the licensing of Avatar merchandise to McDonalds so they could produce plastic replicas of vehicles and animals from your movie and distribute them to children in Happy Meals.  I'm sure people will view those trinkets as treasured keepsakes, and that none of them will ever end up in a landfill.  At least you're dealing with a company in McDonalds known world-wide for their outstanding contributions to the environment.   

Cameron's environmentally friendly message has not, as the studio was initially concerned, negatively affected box-office receipts. "Avatar" has so far grossed over $2.2 billion worldwide – which is well over a billion ahead of the ticket sales for the closest best picture Oscar rival, "The Hurt Locker." That film (which also has an arguably controversial message in its coverage of soldiers in Iraq) was directed by his former wife, Kathryn Bigelow, and has only taken in $12.6 million in domestic box-office sales.

Take that, Kathryn Bigelow!  I'm shocked - SHOCKED - that a big-budget movie crammed full of special effects and with a derivative plot is more popular than a challenging drama about soldiers who risk their lives to disarm bombs in Iraq.  It's like I don't even know the American public any more.

Almost Like Being in Love by Steve Kluger

Title: Almost Like Being in Love
Author: Steve Kluger
Publisher: HarperCollins (2004)

Travis, a slightly OCD nerd, and Craig, a successful athlete, meet during a production of Brigadoon in high school and fall in love towards the end of their senior year. After spending the summer together they attend colleges on opposite sides of the country and eventually lose touch. Flash forward 20 years to 1998 and Travis, a slough of unsuccessful relationships behind him, wonders if the love of his life is still Craig. And, oh yeah, is Craig still thinking about him?

Almost Like Being in Love is a really sweet story. I mean a really, really sweet story. In fact, it'd be a little over-the-top saccharine if not for the fun style and Kluger's obvious sense of whimsy and humor. The story is presented via newspaper clippings, assignments, journal entries, library research requests and even trial transcripts. It makes the story a fun puzzle but don't worry it's never confusing. It's also laugh out loud funny most of the time. Like on p. 157 when Travis, a history professor, presents an extra credit question to his students regarding the best way to track down Craig. Remember, Travis is a stickler for order and correctness. Student Chuck Navarro answers:

I vote for St. Louis because you're ready to handle it. Know how I know? Go back to multiple choice (a). "There's laws against stalking." Wrong. "There ARE laws against stalking." Welcome to the Human Fucking Race.

Or on p. 251 when Travis's friend, who's writing a screenplay based on the whole fiasco, says:

I'm running into a little snag. I thought it'd be more realistic if Craig had a boyfriend--but I think I've written myself into a corner. How do I keep Travis from giving up?

This is that obvious sense of humor of Kluger's because right around this time, as a Reader, I was like, "Hey, Mr. Kluger, how are you going to get out of this without making Travis look like a jizzwad?" I had to laugh as Kluger clearly knew what I was thinking.

But then you'll also run by a section that has some real meat to it. On p. 233, in a nice Kids Say the Darnedest Things way, 11yo Noah asks (condensed):

"They won't let you and Clayton get married, right?"
"Right."
"And a long time ago, they wouldn't let Rosa Parks sit in a bus either--right?"
"Right."
"And now everybody thinks the people who arrested her were skanks, right?"
"Right"
"So how come they don't know that in a hundred years we'll think the same things about the skanky guys who won't let you get married?"

(I love the excellent use of skank.)

(I also hope it's less than a hundred years.)

Travis and Craig are great protags to root for and the supporting cast isn't bad either. Gordo, Travis's roommate in high school and present day, ended up being a huge surprise. When he was first introduced I had no idea he was going to become so interesting. He's also a great friend to Travis which is always good. However, the supporting characters did sometimes fall into a few cliches I could have done without. Like in Gordo's case, why does there always have to be a slutty friend? Is it just me that's missing out on a ridiculously slutty friend? If I were a character in a book would I then have a slutty friend? I fully support anyone's right to do the sweaty tango as often as they like with as many people as they like but it's just so often overdone in books.

Also, I found the characterization to be a bit flawed. Sometimes I'd be reading a journal entry and forget whose perspective it was. Character voice over-lapped quite a bit. I really liked the characters so it didn't bother me too much but I still think they should have been more distinct.

The book reminded me yet again how awesome the webbie be! Holy crap, it's so much easier to do research (read: stalk the world) in the age of the internet. I've assimilated so well into this age that I have relegated my pre-internet life to a dark corner of my brain so I don't think about it much but holy shit the world wide web is fucking awesome!

rating: 3 of 5 stars

Shadow Prowler by Alexey Pehov